The summer has passed, the fall is here with its beautiful colors.
At last I had the planned surgery on my spine and I feel better physically but my heart is still full of sorrow.
I go through all the moments of that last night with Ruda, my last visit to Ala, I see Xenon close to me but so terribly absent! I feel so lonely…
And I am trying to put my conscience at ease.
Ruda did not die of poisoning!
We sent her bloodwork to a profesor of toxicology and he was absolutely certain that there is no poison that could give such damages. Only one disease can- acute pancreatitis.
When I heard that all the pieces of the puzzle fell into place..
I saw myself giving her a pig ear with some fat on it, like I used to do every day. Her discomfort after having eaten it. Her pain and lack of apetite, her ruined organs. Now I have to live with my guilt for not knowing that little fat could make such an enorm damage, for not acting sooner, for not knowing that pancreatitis can kill, for letting her suffer through the night! Nothing could save her, I know, but at least I wouldn´t have left her at the vets alone and believe in miracles! I should have known better! I should have stayed with her!
I couldn´t have done anything for Ala, or for Xenon, but I could have done more for her!
Now I have to cope with all these terrible and persistent thoughts that I know will not bring her back anyway. It´s hard to find joy in all the small things around me. And forgive myself for not knowing…
But life goes on unaware of my pain.
I´ll try to follow LIFE. Not everyone at my age has the privilege to live.
During this summer I lost a friend to cancer. We used to train our dogs together. Ruda and her pinscher Ole were in the same age but she was much younger than me. Full of life and unable to accept the death sentence. Hard för me to believe I´ll never see You again Mirre!
RIP MIRRE, I will always remember You!
RIP RUDA, You will always stay in my heart
I have already started to pack my belongings and plan the journey to Spain. We should leave in a few days. I´m afraid of going there, where I saw Ruda alive for the last time. But the time will heal the wounds, I know.
The rest of the pack is well and happy.
Brita managed to get an excellent in obedience class 2 so now we have a lot of training ahead of us with all the new exercises in the next, and last, class. I have to find a place to work with the dogs even in Spain as this keeps me alive.
Maybe an isolated beach would do? I know of such a place.
As I usually try to finish my post in a positive way, let me present Britas sister Contra.
Beautiful, very open and social bitch.
Her owner, Henrik, is planning to have a litter!
That would be an unexpected chance for me to have Rudas grandchild!
So far everything goes well, the X-rays of hips and elbows are perfect, mental test done and one dog show done with an Excellent and BOB title.
She is just a pet but with such a wonderful character she really should leave some offspring behind. The male is decided, DNA test taken so now we just have to cross the fingers and wait for the next season.
Let LIFE win!